Fear or Guilt

Sunday January 1^st 2012

I had woken at one o’clock this morning to find Bob on the floor in the galley repairing the refrigeration system, all the oil had escaped, and the pump had started making a dreadful noise, he knew if he left it till morning the pump would break and the refrigeration would go down.  As we had planned on setting out today, both the fridge and freezer were full with food, we couldn’t afford for them not to work.

Once the repair was completed we both returned to bed, but I found myself unable to sleep, tossing and turning all night with an uneasiness in my gut that I couldn’t ignore. Eventually at 5am I got up to write my blog. (Nasty Snakes). 

I was still feeling anxious when Bob got up, the idea of setting sail again today did not sit well with me and I was feeling more and more nervous.  I checked the Internet weather site we normally use, and all looked good, with 10 – 12 knot winds, and 6 – 10 foot seas, nothing abnormal.  No rain was forecast other than the possibility of an occasional light shower, and as the skies cleared it appeared to be a perfect day to set sail.  Bob sensed my uneasiness and tried to talk to me about it, reassuring me of the perfect conditions, I couldn’t hide my feelings and when he saw how upset I was becoming he suggested we stay at the marina, music to my ears you would think, but I could see his disappointment, and I felt incredibly selfish.

 I stood on the rear deck looking around the marina at all the neighboring boats and I felt very safe, I wondered why we had to leave.  I just couldn’t help thinking how nice it would be to stay here and just relax. 

I found myself faced with the decision of having to deal with either fear or guilt, fear goes away, but guilt lives on, so I chose fear and convinced Bob and myself that we should go, and that I would be absolutely fine.  I made myself a strong vodka Bloody Mary, and then (under instruction from Captain Bob, not knowing about the vodka bloody mary) I took a Dramamine.  (for those of you never having  done this DON’T, it completely knocks you out, I was like a zombie for about 5 hours)

We had help from some other boaters at the marina to cast off, but as I was bringing in the last of the dock lines the wind picked up and was blowing 27 knots.  Bob had to use the bow thrusters all the way out of the marina just to steer straight.  As we entered the bay approaching the Panama canal entrance, the skies that confronted us looked evil, the other side of the bay was engulfed in thick gray rain clouds, I couldn’t even see the shore line, there was white water in the bay and the wind was now blowing 30 knots gusting to 37 knots.  I felt the blood drain from my face and I started to shake and cry, my heart was pounding  so hard in my chest I thought it was going to burst forth like an alien.  I knew with the water this rough in the confines of the bay it would be 10 times worse off shore; so much for the Internet weather site, that’s the last time I’ll trust them.   Unable to ignore my current state of despair Bob suggested we just motor quietly around the bay until either the wind dropped enough for us comfortably head out, or we drop anchor over at “the flats” (an anchorage area within the bay) and wait it out.  The wind was blowing much too strong to attempt to go back into the marina.

We had motored around for about an hour when we were quite suddenly approached by the local port guards in a little tugboat with blue flashing lights. This was the nautical version of being pulled over.   Had I not been in such a state of self induced, zombiefied sea fearing panic, I would probably have found it funny, it was like being pulled over for speeding, but at sea! 

The port guards hailed us on the VHF and yelled across to us, they wanted to know what we thought were doing motoring around the bay.  Their little boat was bouncing around violently in the rough water, and I wondered how they could do it without throwing up, even in my drugged up state, (the vodka and the Dramamine having majorly kicked in), I was feeling quite queasy just watching them. 

Following about 10 minutes of difficult communication (given the noise from the wind) we yelled to and fro between the boats before they finally left, (without giving us a ticket!) they requested that we call them when we had decided what our plans were, but instructed us to keep out of the shipping lane, as it happened we hadn’t been in the shipping lane, but we agreed anyway, what else could we do?  

For the next two hours we motored around the anchorage, and when it became obvious that the wind was not about to let up we dropped anchor.  Bob had been reluctant to anchor in the flats as the seabed here is quite disgusting, and the anchor and chain come up covered in a nasty, slimy crap that really messes up the decks, but we had no other choice, it took us a couple of attempts to set the anchor, but once the anchor was set I was finally able to relax, and sleep off the Dramamine and vodka.

Just another episode in the catalogue of events that make up “Daisy’s Nautical Adventures”.

With better weather we head out tomorrow…