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Thursday January 5th
Following a couple of restful days bobbing quietly in Portobelo bay, I could tell Bob was beginning to get restless. This morning’s wake up call delivered with a happy grin was “ready to head back to the San Blas”? My heart sank down to my toes, it was the last thing I wanted to do, not because I don’t love the San Blas, but it was an 8-hour sail at best, and I was still recovering from the horrors of the sail here. It wasn’t hard for Bob to see my underwhelming excitement. The wind had dropped a little and the bay was suddenly very rolly, we were rolling from side to side so much I was as giddy as a goose and a little nauseous. I chewed over the idea of leaving for about a second and decided I couldn’t do it. Bob looked crestfallen but said he understood and that it was OK, we would just stay where we were. Again I was filled with guilt, how miserable I must make this for him, all he wants to do is sail and all I want to do is stay put. I made breakfast and then we both sat reading, I kept looking out to the ocean beyond the bay, and wondering whether I could summon the courage to head back out. It made me think of something I had read recently.
“Courage or cowardice depends entirely on circumstance and one’s state of mind” Marthe Cohn.
I was well aware that my cowardice was entirely due to my state of mind, I know full well that Daisy is a very seaworthy and safe boat, and Bob is a great Captain, there really is no danger, I was simply being ridiculous, selfish and cowardly.
After about an hour of rolling around, Portobelo bay was no longer a calm quiet anchorage and I was not particularly enjoying the movement. I watched one of the other boats in the bay head out, and decided I had to do it “OK, lets go to Isle Grande” I said, it was only about a 90 minute sail, I knew I had to go back out at some point. “Are you sure? We’ll come right back if you’re at all worried” Bob replied, he was being very thoughtful and because he hadn’t pressured me at all I felt I owed it to him to at least try.
So we made the boat ready and set sail, the wind was blowing 32+ knots as we left the bay, but I was determined to be positive. I didn’t enjoy the sail, but I wasn’t frightened this time, although I have to say we didn’t have huge waves breaking over us the whole time, which had scared me so much before. I had proved to myself that I could do it. We dropped anchor at Isle Grande 90 minutes later, and I really felt I had achieved something. Bob said it was just like getting back on the horse.
I’ll never come to love sailing, but if I can at least tolerate it, and enjoy the places it takes me, I can still share a small part in the life that Bob loves so much.
